10 reasons to move on and get on with your life.
1. you gotta let the next happiness coming into your life.
2. smile and stay strong
3. you are yourself and no one can take that away from you
4. everyone is special in their own way (comparisons are out of bounds bitches!!)
5. you have the support of your friends and family.
6. be appreciative of every moments in life.
7. remember who you are and never stray fro your principles.
8. just be yourself because that's where the beauty of yourself comes from
9. unique? yes you are
10. emotional, physically, mentally strong... :)

wow...2011 just flew by just like that...
I still remember I detested on going to college, right here in the city..
I never like it..
In the end, I reflected back upon myself where my first love story, my first heartbreak, my first love, and how it affected me throughout the year..
I'm really grateful for everything and all the people I've met.
They've helped me so much...and I got through my insecurities...gave me a new perspective.
I love them very much no doubt..

Happy New Year 2012 peeps! :)

I just came back from my vacation..and it was awesome!
Its being just a long time since i been on a vacation outside out of my state...
I love to travel but sometimes my high school are lil crazy when it comes to popping up extra classes during the holidays!
Well, I still love the extra classes...
Anyhow,
my mind keep wondering about him.
sigh...
why it is so painful?
I'm stuck here. Unable to move on! sigh!

knowing that you never want to see me breaks my heart.
hiding behind the pillar, watching your beautiful back
which I used to lay my head on. gesturing in comfort.
Now, in my autumn wear,
knowing i could never have you,

Couldn't bear the pain any longer,
I walk away from that spot turning my back onto you.
knowing that,
there's no hope between us.

deep in my heart,
hoping the pieces of my heart
are able to transmit into your guts,
hoping that, you'll hold me in your arms once again
and never letting me go....

Is nice to know that you don't really care at all
Is nice to know that you don't really miss me at all.
Is nice to know that you gave up on me entirely.
Is nice to know that you never bother to reply my text.
Is nice to know that you get rid of me in your life.
Is nice to know that you never think of me anymore.

Friends asked me to stop trying.
Friends asked me to stop thinking about you.
Friends asked me to move on.

What more could I say?
I can't get rid of those feelings.
The feeling of being hurt.
The feeling of losing a friend.
The feeling of something being ripped off your chest.
The feeling of having tears trailing down my cheeks.
Looking through the window from inside out.
Seeing you happy with everyone else.
Completely erasing me out of your mind.
Will there be a start over or just end in misery.

Basically, I'm really busy with Election Board activities, Club reports for review camp, orientation game proposals and upcoming Graduation Ceremony ushering people. Hellish busy!
With upcoming Progress Test, I have to do well like literally!
God, Save me!!!!! Ahhhh!!!!

Past few days, I've been having weird dreams about him.
Then, as the scene shifted, we're talking to each other face to face after a month.
I keep telling myself I can survive without even seeing him till like forever.
Awesomeness mark for me ONLY IF i can pull it through

But the deep sense of missing him and him in mind lingers.
I'm very confused about myself.
Its painful that came over the fact of what he did because of our close friend ask him to.
Its a slap on the face though.

How much the reason on how I putting him in such difficult position because of me.
How I get embarrassed easily whenever I did something wrong in front him.
Crap, is like all high school crush all over again.
How i will continue to hurt myself even more than ever if I see him.

But the deep sense of losing him is killing me everyday.
It hurts more than seeing him..
He gave up on me..
But I haven't.

It hurts so much I just wanna put my head in the mud like an ostrich when getting scared.

Now, AS is over.
I earned my 5 days rest...
I'll have to go back to college on Tuesday for my A2 lectures...
Sigh...
Yesterday, I have tons of fun with Bern, Shanny, Arthur, Scott who just came back Sarawak..
We watched Breaking Dawn.

Let's be honest here,
It was a nice movie
BUT FUCKING SHIT LITERALLY,
They cut off the sex scene where Edward suppose to break the headboard XP
They cut off the labor scene and where Edward insert his venom into Bella's heart!

It was awkward watching them doing the kissing scene more 3 minutes...
Especially with the guys around..
Now, Puss in Boots and happy feet 2!!!! I want them all! LOL!

Get Out There;: I don't deserve someone like you

Every night before I'm drown into slumberland.
He's on my mind and at the same time, wondering does he ever miss me at all?
I have my reasons why I don't wanna become friends with him
But the heart will definitely said the otherwise and no matter what,
It will always fight its way back up to reveal the truth in your head,

Truly, I really miss him lots,
I miss all the laughs
and excessive sarcasm and insults
Tease and tears,
But now, its already gone.

Chemistry paper in less than 4 hours.
I am in nervous wreck now..
Initially, I wanted to text him hoping that he'll be my listener.
I know the on going of being cold shoulder and etc...
but after listening to Sam Tsui's Start Again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2nun6e2oAc

I'm considering give our friendship of mending up a chance.
After shutting my feelings for so long,
Is gonna be sooner or later, is dead.
Cuz is sooner or later, I'll have to face him..
Bearable? I don't know.
Plus, AS is now almost over in less than 10 days.
Just hope I can bear it. Or else I would have thrash around and start screaming like a banshee.
Since last week, I've been busy studying, suffering from sleep deprivation,etc
Hoping things would turn out better this week,
God, help me get through the wrath of this rough week. :)

Today, having a study group with abby's place with shannon was worth every single hour.
However, I discovered something that really broke my heart literally.
He has never sincerely make the first move to ask how I was
It was because Abby's ask him to.
It was a favour asked by Abby..

Seriously you don't have to talk to me at all,
Its not like I really matters to you
We're no longer friends,
So stop communicating with me,
I don't really care about me getting hurt because what happened to us
I have more things to worry about then our relationship and I don't see you in my life anymore.
I'm giving you a chance not to see my face as a reminder of how I'm putting in such a difficult position
And you don't have to take such a emotional toll on the problems because I'm out of your life.

Last few days have being hectic
Stats exam turns out to be okay I guess
But what past is past
Anyhow, after a ravenous stats exam where the atmosphere in the exam hall nearly choked me out
I manage to have a great time with some friends to the movies..
Unfortunately, I was on a friend's car and suddenly we got into a slight accident
We thank God to be alive but the cars were slight damage, scratch paints and dented bumper.
Crash course.
It is the worse day ever!
Sigh

If you reading this, I'm sorry.

I hasn't being studying for the past 2 days as I have turf toe.
I have been resting, consuming ibuprofen to ease the pain and swelling
With the bandage on, I'm immobile for the moment and my mum was teasing me that I acted like a total klutz!
I even laugh at that statement cuz it is true,
I'm indeed a klutz for the moment.
It will take weeks to heal

When I woke up from my afternoon nap,
I got a text from Mr Popular,
the guy I no longer friends with,
well, the guy I wanna forget very badly,

It was an awkward conversation,
I didn't really bother about it,
beside he knew I don't prepaid lines,
but somehow, I don't know why he even bother to ask
beside I think he knew that is impossible
I ignored the text and totally focusing on healing on my turf toe.
I tried to keep the conversation short
But he rather hear the whole story.
I was hesitating,
Last time, it was my fault that I pushed him away.
And because of the position that I putting him now,
I rather not stay around and trouble him again
But he keep insisting it anyway,
He asked about my exams which I'm like really freaking stressing.
I didn't talk to him since the open house,
Cuz I knew I was invited there but I wasn't in a friendly atmosphere with him.
Naturally, I would let time to drift us apart, so that I won't have to feel the tension from him of putting him in a difficult position.
And when there's moment that our eyes met, a window to his soul showing that there's nothing going between us,
instead he just want to be friends, a clear picture but is impossible because I'm holding on to those feelings.

I would rather stay away from him as far as possible so he won't have to look at me and trigger the tension of me putting him in a difficult position.
Every single chances of staying away and don't want look into those gorgeous dark colour eyes.
I miss those eyes terribly.

Is hurtful for me to fight for it since he's already given up anyway
That's why I entirely let him go, flip the switch off of my memories with him, everything about him.

Since we didn't talk,
he asked how have I been doing these days..
I just cut it the whole conversation short with few words as answers.
He said he'll catch up with me real soon but I'm not looking forward at all
Not at all.

:(

Yes, I finally went through a major makeover!
I chopped off my long raven locks.

I have reasons why I chopped it off:
1. My hair is balding.. Too much nutrients have been seeped off my scalp! (big time major)
2. I deserve a makeover. (NO MATTER WHAT)
3. I'm regrowing my locks and will tame it after 8 months. (that's on prom night next year)
4. No more SLS on my daily use of shampoo because apparently, I've been using it for 18 years of my life, and is destroying my hair! :(
5. I no longer need guys saying that is unattractive to see girls in short hair! Seriously, like fucking seriously, its edgy! dumbass!
6. I want my natural wavy hair back..
7. For safety purposes
8. I'm slimming down for my edgier look
9. Natural remedies to give me a healthier hair
10. I'm myself!

Every time I walk up the stairs, my eyes always catch his picture with other 3 really good looking students..girls and guys.
I looked at his picture. no memories triggered.
I finally flip the switch off my memories with him.
I no longer know who the hell is he.

I still have feelings for him
Bit not to him,
We've both changed.
We're no longer together
We're no longer friends.
We're no longer close
We're no longer acquaintances.
We're no longer trust each other
We're no longer communicating
We're no longer in each other's life
We're no longer have time to hear each other out
We've both forgotten about each other
We both moved on
I acted like I don't know him
He acted like he cared

Somehow, I felt numb.
My heart feels numb
My mind feel relieve that I'm not emotionally hurt
My soul feels like something has been ripped away

I have no recalling of him in my memory banks because all are vanish step by step.

Like Franny said,

SUCK IT UP! You seriously fucking don't need him!

Well, is true I don't need him in my life.
Because yesterday, I was hoping at least to have a good time with him.
Have decent conversation.
But in the end, he treated me like I don't exist right there when I was standing right new to Abby while she was talking to him.
Deep down in my heart, it really kills a lot when he ignored me the whole time.
When I arrived at the party with Abby, I was keeping my fingers cross hoping things are normal like we used to way back went.
But, every time there's an opportunity for me to start a conversation, words just keep slipping out of my mouth.

It just sort off preventing me from saying something stupid and ended making a fool out of myself or even worse offending him.
It really hurts me when I tried so hard, every opportunity to talk to him. In the end, I make the first move but things always go in a circle back to starting point.
Let's just be friends.
A phrase I heard it lots of time.

Most of the time, I felt frustrated when he confined to Marie,Abby or Shannon. or probably slip something out on asking how I was doing and etc...
Then I decided, from today onward.
I'm NO LONGER have any Link with him..
Yes I felt sorry and pissed at myself for putting him at such hard position.
Which makes things really complicated.
No ending to all this crap.

I blocked him from facebook, I deleted his contact from my cell, No texting, no calling, no checking on his page. --> (I'm NOT A STALKER BITCH!)

There's no possibility we can go back as friends.
Not EVER!

Today was less productive because my mind was full with heavy thoughts.
With the music blasting in my ears didn't help either.
So might as well just take my medication.

Yes my medication.

All this while, I felt pressure going to tuition or even going to the lecture theater for physic.
I know we are the same human beings, but their strong and powerful mind on physic is what gives me pressure.
Their intelligence and understanding on the concepts are just within seconds snap.

I finally understand..
And these categorized smart and high intelligence students..Or more or less with high IQ are from Tshung Tsin Secondary School.
UEC trained students.
I can't handle well with pressure.
I ended up panic because of pressure especially within time limit.
That practically explains why I failed my driver's ed for the first time.

Although they are from Chinese Independent School,
even my brother was from there.
All of them like got a head start than the government school students.
I'm not finding excuses.
My friend, Margaret Goh was from government school like me,
But she's way smarter than me.
Higher intelligence.
I don't blame her.

Margaret Loo, Ong Hong Guan Raymond Wong, etc..
Its really a turmoil for me.
I feel stress and pressure because of afraid of not able to score well in my A-level.
Another guy who used to be my closed friend, who graduated earlier,
He got a very good result and planning to further his studies in Singapore.
Whenever I think of his A-level results, I feel pressure.
I'm currently taking 3 subjects while he took 4. <--- Smart no doubt
I mean he's a straight A students back in high school, a former head school prefect or just school prefect, anyway, an outgoing student with a personality.
All I ever wonder was how he can even manage that well.

Another girl who was a closed friend with the guy, who was there for me for the past few months when I had a fight with the guy who used to be my close friend.
I felt glad that she was there for me and all.
But I can't help but feeling pressure when I'm around her during lecture.
She's a former debater from All Saints Secondary School, a former prefect, a down-to-earth person, a scholarship recipient and a straight A students.
Well, you can say that she's smart.
I mean is wonderful to have a friend like that who cares about other friend who's going through a tougher times.
When the on going competition to excel in studies, you can she's one of the best.

Sometimes, the pressure being around a smart student is so overwhelming.
Make it think of it instantly want make me puke or even seeking a corner and cry my eyes out.
The pressure make my lungs feels so constricted and likely to choke me to death.
I even think letting a car hit me by so that I don't even have to think about it anymore and also feeling weak at handling the pressure.
My most vulnerable state.
Externally, people sees me as a strong person and will get through it no matter what.
But everybody has their moment of breaking down.
I'm broke down everyday these past few months.

I admit I'm not smart at all but all I ever do was work hard and putting effort in my studies to get a decent grade.
All I ever see was a total D or E.
Feeling demotivated to study, willing to throw the books around. Like nobody gives a crap about it!
This is so suicidal!
Sometimes, I even wonder my stupidity level seriously THAT HIGH.


Yes, I broke down.
I thrashed around.
I scream in agony because of the pressure.
I felt like my entire body was constricted into a ball.

P.S: I do hurt myself lots because of the pressure. Now, I chose not to. because of crying my heart and eyes out and writing was all I have.

Grateful

Dwelling in the lives of people,
Some were wisked away mysteriously,
Some did not returned from the realm of sleep
Some had their last breath as adversary won the battle
The unlively atmosphere.
Some sufferings were long to ease
Some were no avail
Every shinning crystals glistening down the river trail
Worth to every tickled pink moments and morose regrets.

Stimulating as it can be as newborns are welcome to the world,
Dreary as it can be as another soul being on the journey to the afterlife,
One moment to the next,
Mother Nature can't sustain that much complexity of life
So,
Here and Now,
Gratefulness is all we have,
Be contented to the fullness,
Time are given to spend wisely,
For that I did not,
New turning point onwards,
Turning over a new leaf,
A journey that became my teacher
Expanded my wings towards life
Blessed with I all have
Strived to make changes in others
For that I thank thee.

Today was EPIC.......Not so awesome...
It was tiring..
Exhausted.
Right now I'm feeling numb after being hurt for 2 months period.
What else is new you may ask?

1. I'm stressing out with my AS
2. I have past year papers Qs like hellish
3. I'm not capable of doing well in science stream (What the hell am I here for?!)
4. I'm so freakishly tired of studying right now.
5. I don't even know why I hated him

That's pretty much it.

Today, I was wearing with a cocky attitude and filled with sarcasms in my system.
Well being dumped and held head up high so I know I don't him in my life.
Continue to be friends?

Not even chance of possibility.
Anyway, I went to Abby's condo for group study.
Everybody is in stress atmosphere..
A laugh and walking around always does the trick to cool things down.
No matter what, I'm glad that I went there anyway.

As for now, I focusing full blast for Chemistry and Physic...
Keeping my fingers cross!

When having a hope on something, you're just want the result in your mind to be turn into reality.
But life can so cruel 10000X times.
Guys, officially are jerks like big time!

All this while I keep telling myself that he's waiting for me to heal,
and he''ll come back.
But reality just love to throw big stones at you,
I hated every single minute of it.
A friend of mine whom he confined to occasionally,
really SERIOUSLY asking me to accept the FACT HE"S NOT COMING BACK.

I broke down,
And I officially hate it till the down of my guts!
No matter how much I hated him,
I still love him no matter what.
It hurts really bad.
Next week, he has a party and he's inviting me.

I'm still making the decision whether should I go.
Those memories of him and me keep haunting me every single hour.
Distractions is the only thing that keeps from breaking down,
Exhaustion is the only thing that keeps me from crying myself to sleep.
Heartbreaks are so tiring..

Truth to say, I deserved to take the blame. since I make it this way.
Yeah...He must be very happy I get treated like this..
Now, I have to kill myself by studying...
The heart still cares no matter what...

Well, today is the day..
Chemistry practical..
Yesterday, I was waiting for his text wish me all the best,
I entirely guess that my insecurities were kind of get to me.
I was in pain of it.
Little of bit of that cause me to be in doubt,
I was hurt because of that.
But I only listen, IT IS my decision whether to let it get the best of me,
I talked to Abby about it,
It was selfish of me to not see it that a down-to earth person like Abby didn't get any wishing from him.
Sleep always do me good for next day.
I went to sleep early yesterday night after a 2 hrs of tuition.
I was exhausted.
This morning, what I didn't know that is that I got text from him at 2320
I fell asleep at that I guess,
Exhaustion really get to me easily after my system sort of immune to the drug, caffeine.

Now. I sort have to apologies to Abby about my selfishness of not looking at her point of view.
Hope everything goes well for me. :)
Keeping my fingers cross...

Breathing down like hell!

Personally I felt nervous and panicking because tomorrow is chemistry practical,
my firs AS exam, like the real crappy deal. =.=
Yes, I'm panicking and stressing like really crazy!
Now, I'm trying to get to use to the pattern of the Qs and understanding on the instruction.
Like my tutor always said,

READ THE FREAKING INSTRUCTION GIVEN!

That I'll always remember no matter what assignment I do,
One of my close friends who always on close monitor on my healing treatment
told me Mr Popular was worried that I'll go through another painful cycle of hurting myself of not topping up to my expectations.
And, No, I;m not going that cycle again. Never will

Yes, I'm incredibly stress with studies, doing well,
For now, I need to try my best, REALLY MY BEST IN EVERYTHING.
My parents are bugging me on my results and it is getting onto my nerves,
Really, I don't like to disappoint them,
But I just hate it really badly when they breathing down my neck for 24/7,
Like literally,
For now, Gonna get back to practising on Chemistry Practicals Past Years!

WISH ME ALL THE BEST!!!!!

6 Benefits of study group

1. Procrastination Solution

Because study groups meet at regular times, attending students cannot procrastinate.

If alone, a student might postpone studying until the night before class. When in a study group, however, students have to be present at a specific time, and they are not able to procrastinate (unless they skip the study group completely).

If you struggle with procrastination, a study group might just be the solution for you!

2. Learn Faster

Working together, students in study groups can generally learn faster than students working alone.

For instance, some part of the textbook that seems completely confusing to you could be quite clear to another student.  In a study group, instead of spending valuable time puzzling over the difficulty, you can learn quickly by simply asking a question.

In addition, you can help your fellow students also when they have difficulties understanding something that you do understand.

3. Get New Perspectives

If you study by yourself, you will always see your material from the same perspective – yours.

While this may not be a problem, getting fresh perspectives on a topic can help you learn it more thoroughly.

Study groups are the perfect places to find these new perspectives. As you listen and ask questions, you will soon start noticing a wide variety of different viewpoint on the same idea.

This will force you to think more about your position and will, therefore, develop your critical thinking skills while helping you study.

4. Learn New Study Skills

In addition to learning new perspectives on a topic, you can also find new study techniques.

During the college years, each student develops his own particular study methods. While yours may work excellently, you probably can still find ways to improve your learning abilities and sharpen your mind.

By joining a study group, you will have opportunity to observe a wide variety of study methods in action. After considering the pros and cons, you can improve your own study regimen by incorporating the best methods with your own.

In addition, you can help your other study members improve by sharing your favorite study tricks also.

5. Breaks The Monotony

Studying by yourself, especially for long periods of time, can become a monotonous activity.

However, by joining a study group, you can break this monotony… and learn faster!

Because of the social aspect of a study group, you will always have someone to discuss the topic with when you start struggling or find the topic tedious.

In addition, the auditory factor of study groups can help auditory learners and students who dislike the silence of studying alone.

If you find some class particularly tedious, consider joining a study group to make it more enjoyable.

6. Fill In Learning Gaps

Study groups provide an excellent opportunity to fill in gaps in your notes.

By comparing notes with other students, you can evaluate your accuracy, fix any errors, and get ideas for better note taking.

If, on the other hand, you are a great note taker, you can help other students who had note taking problems fix their mistakes and learn better techniques.

Conclusion

Before you go and join a study group, remember that all groups are not created equal.  Choose your companions carefully or study by yourself.

Source: By Nate Desmond

Another time to 'swallow my medicine' :)

Recently, the pleasure of blogging, writing poems, tumblr-ing etc really gets to me,

I used to have insecurities when I was very young, 

I used to be a victim of a bully in Elementary school,

I was being used to steal money just so I can have goodie goodie stuff.

I was naive,

I didn't understand anything, 

I know you might think I'm a small idiot kid who's really that stupid

But really I admit I'm that stupid according to your stupidity level,

A kid was still growing and trying to fit in,

would use any other method to be part of the gang,

I was being verbally abused,

Rumor starts to spreads like a wildfire about me being a lesbian,

FYI I'm straight.

When I'm being nice to them, they took advantage of my niceness and back-stabbed me like no other,

I went a cycle of hurting myself in my mind,

suicidal thoughts all around,

Insecurities started to boil their way up,

Slightly anti social,

From that onward, I never trust anybody,

I graduated from elementary school,

At the age of 13, I went under depression, stress, mentally self inflicting pain on the mind, suicidal thoughts were all around. 

but slowly, few people were able to break through my barrier and slowly I begin to open to them.

Insecurities were still there,

I maintain normalcy when my parents were around me,

But when I'm alone in my room,
I broke down like floods just destroy whatever is on its path,

As years went by, I warmth up to people, meet new people everyday,

Still my caution barrier was always on no matter what.

At age of 16, I was in a class that every student would just stuck with that cliques, no one invited me to join them, in order not to waste my time in self pitying that I'm not of them, I kept myself occupied by studying,

Although I don't have consistent grades but still I studied like no other.

That's where all the addiction to stick myself in the books and become anti social begins,

After I graduated from high school, 

As I enter college, presently, there's this guy who's a Mr Popular whom was very close to my classmate, at the same time, she's also one of my close friend in high school.

As the months flew by, he broke through caution barrier and at the same time it drives me nuts,

Slowly, we became close friends, but the insecurities of mine were there to stay, 

haunted me throughout my life,

Deeply he kept me grounded when I was about to explode into self inflicting pain mode,

But all humans have limits, I took things for granted and well he let me go,

Now we're not that close anymore, 

Repetitive reflections, 

Entirely it was my fault,

Now, I learnt not to take my loved ones for granted,

They are the reasons they shaped for who I am today,

Continue to appreciate them,

And I will love them till the end no matter what.

Miss You

Telling myself,

I'm able to pull it through,

No matter what the circumstances,

I have the drive,

I have the support

That was before,

Midst of insecurities succumbs me,

Reflections, reflections

Deflections on countless faults,

Till you let me go,

Felt myself like a charity case.

Now,

miss you whole heartedly,

miss your endless support which strengthens my faith

miss your vibrant sarcasm which only you have the guts to pull it through

miss you getting on my nerves to the point when i'm not hogging on by stress,

miss your bear crush hugs that make me felt safe,

miss your sense of humour that at least make me get through the bad day,

miss the advise giver in you when I have to make a tough choice,

miss you being my listener when i needed to break the ice of bottling up,

miss exchanging exciting tales with you,

miss your warm energy when indeed i felt cold and deserted,

miss how you answer my questions with patience when i have problems on the subject,

Truth?

I never doubt you for a moment,

I slowly opened up to people because of you,

I grateful to have you are in my life

I glad to have great friend like you.

You're always on my mind,

I knew I could count on you no matter what

Yet

I took things for granted,

Things are different between us now,

Everyday the same routine,

When will there be us again?

(Dedicated to an anonymous) 

Jojo - When Does It Go Away (ft. Travis Garland)

[Garland]
I swear we both used to say
that we would never walk away
Now when I see your face,
It's like you never felt the same
Explain to me

[Chorus]
How are you okay?
I can't be around you.
Don't you feel pain that I feel without you?
Cause I have to pretend that you don't make a difference,
it's the lie that I'm living in.
When it does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away?

[JoJo]
Baby, my worst mistake
was letting you ever get away, away from me.
And I couldn't see everything
when it was right there in my face
(?)and I just can't believe...

[Chorus]
How are you okay?
I can't be around you.

Don't you feel pain that I feel without you?
Cause I have to pretend that you don't make a difference,
it's the lie that I'm living in.
When it does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away?

[Garland]
I heard them say that times heals everything.
Every second without you, I'm going insane.
Ain't nothing in the world can help me now, help me now, ooooh.

[JoJo]
I told myself that today I'm moving on.
I can't even breathe now that your'e gone, you're my everything.
Let me know when does it go away.

[Chorus]
How are you okay?
I can't be around you.
Don't you feel pain that I feel without you?
Cause I have to pretend that you don't make a difference,
it's the lie that I'm living in.
When it does it go away, when does it go away,
when does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away?

I'm on the verge of breaking down due to my relationship with my parents.

Parents - Teenager strain relationship.

Lately, I've been arguing a lot with my parents, for shutting myself in my room many times,

I didn't really do well in AS trials especially Physic and Chemistry, 

In order for me do well, I have to sacrifice something.

And telling my trials results to my parents is a NO-NO for me.

I know, I'm a smart student, but I was lazy or didn't do much revision and putting any effort in scoring the subject. 

Results can be backstabber sometimes, 

You really did tried your best testing on your understanding on the topic being taught,

But it didn't really produce the result you intend to see with your own eyes.

Going back home with a bad grade,

I know my parents care for my studies and also hopping I would do well in my exam,

1st factor:

When there's a time in high school, I told them I flunked my Additional Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry.

In my heart, I know they disappointed with my results, and as for me as a daughter, would wanna seek comfort to cast out my sorrows on my bad result, and get encouragement and motivations from them to improve my grades. 

Instead, my parents and I didn't talk for 2 days due to my result and at the same time giving me the glare for flunking on the subject, such eye sore for them on me. 

From that onward, I never slip out my results to notify my parents because is a already routine for them.

Personally, I do wish I can spend more time as well communicating and bonding with my parents,

As the years goes by, whenever  there's a topic being brought up, is either my parents and I don't see eye to eye or gauze brawling moment the next. 

Deep down, I would want to come to parents and talk to them, seek their advises, and I would wanna hear the reasons and advises I intend to hear. But it rarely happens.

I know I'm blessed with many privileges but I still love them no matter because blood is thicker than water.

2nd factor:

My parents and I have trust issues sometimes, like, my responsibility on doing the chores, friends whom I hang out with, intentional or unintentional actions on some situations and the list goes on.

Start with friends, occasionally, I would wish my mum would have the time to get to know my friends a tad, 

Eg. I would go green eye on Francine sometimes because her mum willingly take her time to get to know her friends whom she hangs out with, like Tryphena, seems there's never a trust issue on her daughter on whom she hangs out with .

My parents have no problem of me hanging out with girls and all, but boys is different story, my mum in detail, I have lots of guy friends and we are really friends, and I have some close friends with guys.

Its really annoying sometimes that my mum would jump the gun to the issues of making friends with opposite sex, indifferently have sexual attractions AND STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ME FROM DATING!

OK the dating part I get it, but hanging out with guy friends lead to sexual attractions --> dating??!!!

*FACEPALM*

Seriously??!!! 

Hormones are the freaking mediums to lead to sexual attractions!

Not that I blame my hormones but,

In order to establish friendship, 

I need to meet people,

I need to spend some time trying to get to know them, 

They are sent into my life for a reason, and for that, I would have lots of intention on seeking those reasons out,

It takes time.

Sometimes, people thinks that I have chemistry with my guy friend, intentionally mistaken we are together together!
Seriously, what the hell???
Like I even care what people think about my relationship with him.

Compatibility? 

Communication?

Maturity and Rational thinking on handling the situation?

Trust on both sides??

And the list goes on
eventually will naturally evolve into a love relationship or whatever you wanna call it.
Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, it can be avoidable sometimes.

All it ever take is time! TAKES TIME DOUCHE BAG! 

All I ever hope that my mum would trust me enough that I make the right decision on mingling the right crowd. I know I do. 

All this time, my caution barrier are always on, and if I got myself in sticky situation, I would WASTE NO TIME, removing myself from there. If I stumble upon on a cross road I would seek advises from my parents and close figuratively trusted people to help me make the right choice and decisions no matter what.

I know I tend to make mistakes and I wanna learn from it, become part of my experiences on making the right choice in the future. I'm still learning and growing. :)

3rd:
Going to church and 2 hours max of services is no problem for me.. but especially to some duration of the services in certain churches, it goes beyond 2 hours. As for me, in that 2 hours, I could actually learn and understand on the concept behind the topic of subject i'm struggling on. 

As for that, I would switch churches that actually goes along with the schedule. Not extended time, where's totally beyond.

I would love to go to church, praise and worship with friends, seek God's presence and be joyful in His name. 

4th:
I know my parents would be supportive on outdoor activities that will enhance my leadership skills and also how to cooperate in a team. In my point of view, I find it more interesting than studying. =.=
Recognition and support is all ever I want from my parents,
Reading is what I like to do,
I love reading lots and when the shopping mall,
My first stop will always be the bookstore,
I would buy lots of fictions and novels especially romance, fantasy and a tad of sci-fictions with my own allowance.
Writing is my newly found talent recently,
I find writing very pleasurably, and also comforting, as I'm breaking my habit of bottling up everything.
A wonderful healing medicine.
Dancing is what I love most,
Previously, all I ever did was just expressing my feelings in dancing, Message behind the story on every routine was hard to understand and decipher. But as I get into the rhythm and lyrics, I understand myself more than ever as I get into character behind.
Never thought that it would so addictive. :)

Finally: 

I know I get lots of criticisms and lectures from my parents due my behavior and all.
Will to change my habit, I intend and will,

Will to be a better person, I'll strive for it,

Will to be a close the open wide gap between us, I intend to make it happen,

I'm still growing and learning.

Some situations are meant to happen more than once, or else I won't learn from mistakes and make the right choice presently that will affect my future entirely. 

I love my parents dearly, I hope that both parties can be open to one another.

Sometimes, all it takes one party to become a listener instead of cutting each off. :)

Giving advises which is must when situations on making the right choices or decisions are on critical stages or minority. :)

Not for the sake of having a blog because its a trend, but for the art of reading and writing.

My previous blog was filled with crap at some part of my life.

Things I never want becomes a history and metamorphose into experience that I will carry it with me throughout my life.

Now, as a college student,

I'm not getting any exposure on the outside world like,

Because throughout my life, I don't have experiences like other people who have chances to find a part time job outside, I don't know how does it feel like to be part of the team in a office community.

Teamwork, Team Brain storming, Hardships, Respect, Trust..etc...

All I ever did was either stuck at home becoming a coach potato or just sit behind the counter in my mum's shop, with nothing to do, precisely nothing.

Writing, Reading, and Dancing are my favorite activities to pass the time, beside hitting the gym,
Filled with inspirations in artistically manner. 

Despite my parents' protest in wanting me to have science as my future career,

is hard to choose to pursue your dreams when parents really being un-supportive of it.

I know parents do care and really hope for the best of future for their kids, 

but sometimes, kids are afraid of opening up their mouth to share it with their parents, 

is either the parents will listen or just cut you off, end of discussion.

I'm one of them,

Conservative goal oriented family, Doesn't sound like a bad thing, but behind every story, there's a mysteriously X-file.