Today was less productive because my mind was full with heavy thoughts.
With the music blasting in my ears didn't help either.
So might as well just take my medication.

Yes my medication.

All this while, I felt pressure going to tuition or even going to the lecture theater for physic.
I know we are the same human beings, but their strong and powerful mind on physic is what gives me pressure.
Their intelligence and understanding on the concepts are just within seconds snap.

I finally understand..
And these categorized smart and high intelligence students..Or more or less with high IQ are from Tshung Tsin Secondary School.
UEC trained students.
I can't handle well with pressure.
I ended up panic because of pressure especially within time limit.
That practically explains why I failed my driver's ed for the first time.

Although they are from Chinese Independent School,
even my brother was from there.
All of them like got a head start than the government school students.
I'm not finding excuses.
My friend, Margaret Goh was from government school like me,
But she's way smarter than me.
Higher intelligence.
I don't blame her.

Margaret Loo, Ong Hong Guan Raymond Wong, etc..
Its really a turmoil for me.
I feel stress and pressure because of afraid of not able to score well in my A-level.
Another guy who used to be my closed friend, who graduated earlier,
He got a very good result and planning to further his studies in Singapore.
Whenever I think of his A-level results, I feel pressure.
I'm currently taking 3 subjects while he took 4. <--- Smart no doubt
I mean he's a straight A students back in high school, a former head school prefect or just school prefect, anyway, an outgoing student with a personality.
All I ever wonder was how he can even manage that well.

Another girl who was a closed friend with the guy, who was there for me for the past few months when I had a fight with the guy who used to be my close friend.
I felt glad that she was there for me and all.
But I can't help but feeling pressure when I'm around her during lecture.
She's a former debater from All Saints Secondary School, a former prefect, a down-to-earth person, a scholarship recipient and a straight A students.
Well, you can say that she's smart.
I mean is wonderful to have a friend like that who cares about other friend who's going through a tougher times.
When the on going competition to excel in studies, you can she's one of the best.

Sometimes, the pressure being around a smart student is so overwhelming.
Make it think of it instantly want make me puke or even seeking a corner and cry my eyes out.
The pressure make my lungs feels so constricted and likely to choke me to death.
I even think letting a car hit me by so that I don't even have to think about it anymore and also feeling weak at handling the pressure.
My most vulnerable state.
Externally, people sees me as a strong person and will get through it no matter what.
But everybody has their moment of breaking down.
I'm broke down everyday these past few months.

I admit I'm not smart at all but all I ever do was work hard and putting effort in my studies to get a decent grade.
All I ever see was a total D or E.
Feeling demotivated to study, willing to throw the books around. Like nobody gives a crap about it!
This is so suicidal!
Sometimes, I even wonder my stupidity level seriously THAT HIGH.


Yes, I broke down.
I thrashed around.
I scream in agony because of the pressure.
I felt like my entire body was constricted into a ball.

P.S: I do hurt myself lots because of the pressure. Now, I chose not to. because of crying my heart and eyes out and writing was all I have.